Sunday, October 24, 2010

It's Hard to be Good

Each & every morning we roll out of bed and as soon as our feet hit the floor the battle of good & evil begins. Each moment provides us with the opportunity to be good..or "bad"...naughty..or nice. There are constant temptations, opportunities to throw caution to the wind and just do what feels good right that very minute.

Yesterday was no different for me, and frankly by mid-morning I was sick of it. Sick of watching Beren and my kids eat "normal" breakfasts, of the treadmill looming in the background, taunting me and making me feel guilty for not working out, tired of the limited food choices, of the measuring and thinking and planning..UGH! I remembered the free-for-all weekends when I'd eat what I wanted, mindlessly, then gone out to the bar and tossed down a few cocktails with wild abandon. (well, ok, not so-very-wild, but you get my point) I was angry, overwhelmed, and as Beren stated: just plain grouchy!

So, instead of turning to the kitchen and quieting my mood with a cupcake (or three), I sat down and talked it out with Beren. I explained to him that part of the reason I put off doing a "serious" weight loss program for so long was because I knew it would be hard to fit into our lifestyle. We go out quite a bit, we drink socially, etc..habits that are not conducive to a regimented diet/fitness program. I explained to him my frustration & annoyance and yet maintained my determination. I didn't want to give up, I just wanted him to understand just how f-ing hard this is! I wanted reassurance, not advice, because over the course of the conversation I was able to give myself advice..I told myself the very things I would tell one of my fellow bloggers should he or she be feeling this way:

"You have been doing this for 3 1/2 weeks, this is the point where the novelty is starting to wear's 'normal' that you should feel this way!"

"You have a lot going on in your life right now, this is just one more stressor, but turning to food or abandoning your program isn't going to make you feel better."

"You are doing this for YOURSELF, because you DESERVE it!"

"What can you change right now? What can you do that would make you feel better that doesn't involve food?"

At that point I got up off the couch and went into the clean. I started packing up some of Kali's kitchen goods for her, helping her prepare for her move next week as well as clearing clutter which always makes me feel better. I then made a batch of veggie chili for the kids, had that simmering in the crockpot so that they could eat whenever they got home from work. I cleaned the refrigerator, packed up several containers of my Zero soup and put it into the freezer for the future. Wiped the counters, did the dishes, etc. And then I had my Jenny lunch along with some of that soup, sat on the couch with Beren and decompressed for a bit, made a plan for the rest of the day. Suddenly the grumpies were gone and I didn't have to feel guilty for the way I'd handled them. Instead of shoving the emotions down with food, I talked it out and then fixed the problems I could control! What a novel idea!

And now, for other Victories:

*first acknowledgment/notice of my weight loss, yay!
*turned down dinner by our friend who is an amazing cook yet as I sat in his kitchen watching him pour molasses into his baked beans, we both knew there was no way I could eat there, lol!
*knowing that this couple definitely enjoy their beer, we stopped on the way to pick up a 12-pack for them. I grabbed a 4-pack of miniature chardonnay bottles, allowed myself two (portion-controlled) glasses. The rest came home with me.
*Also grabbed a fresh vegetable platter which I nibbled on while others eat pretzels, etc. but after a few minutes everyone was gobbling up my carrots & celery as well! So I might have been a good influence for once. *wink*

Last night we were supposed to go to a wine & cheese party at another friend's house. I thought long & hard about it..and called to decline. As much as I wanted to visit and would certainly have enjoyed the socialization, I knew that it would be very difficult for me to spend time around my two of my favorite things, and I had already consumed my two-glass maximum for the day. I just didn't trust myself to be that "good," why torture myself?

So, Beren and I ate dinner at home - vegetarian chili, mac & cheese for him, Jenny's cheese ravioli with a bowl of Zero-Point soup for me. We put in a dvd, Letters to Juliet, I ate my Jenny cheesecake, and we went to bed early. Nice.


  1. I so get everything you just posted. There are so many times that I resent the fact that I can't eat like everyone else around me! Its great that you have Beren, who understands. I don't think I could do this without Steve being so understanding.

    I hope you had a great time last weekend doing biketoberfest activities. We went out with our friends on the bike again yesterday and had a really good time!

    Hope to see you both soon.

  2. OK, great stuff from Beren. As for the going out and having to behave, well, time to suck it up a little more, get this done for you, and enjoy your health. I threw a lot of temptation at you, and you were awesome. Keep that going, it's just food and booze... All the best...Don't look at my pix from last night, they are familiar...

  3. Wise words, Allan. Thank you for the continued support! :) And you know I had to go look at those pics...groan...

  4. Jacquie, we had a great time at Biketoberfest, wish we'd been able to meet up with you! Next time, for sure. :)

  5. i love your victories. thanks for sharing!
    i totally understand why you didn't go the party. yayyy for knowing our strengths and weaknesses.

    hope you're having a beautiful weekend :)

  6. Oh girl, it is hard at first. Anything is hard at first. Once you acclimate it gets a lot easier. I think the key is to make it something you can stick to for life. No "All or Nothing" mentality. If you want a cocktail, just choose wisely and have them once in awhile. You can do this! :)

  7. such good choices you made. it's hard for me as well to avoid the temptation of "joining in" when everyone else is indulging.

  8. Hats off to you!!!! You got through a rough day really well! Congrats, you are an inspiration for the rest of us having our "ug" days with our new eating plans!!!

  9. Wow. How mature and well thought out! ;-) Yes, I think that is the hardest thing - sticking to what you need to do for you, versus instant gratification. Soooo hard to do. Good job!

  10. Sounds like you are working it out. I too struggle with social things and food. It's just something you have to decide if it's worth it or not. I will sometimes just make sure I'm full of good food before I go to something then I am less likely to eat much. Sounds like it turned into a good day to me.

  11. Hhmmm, good..or "bad"...naughty..or nice... tough decision somedays. Nice to have someone to share our days with and as well our journey to getting healthier. Yet, somedays they help us more than others.

    Myself, I know somedays I feel my wife is not as behind me as I'd like. After a couple months at this I came to understand that this is not easy on them either. Whether they are eating and exercising alongside us or not, they experience impact from our changes. So when they have an off day being by our side, it is just that an off day.

    Whether the days go good..or "bad"...naughty..or nice... I cannot imagine doing this without my wife.

  12. Awesome post! Be proud of yourself.

  13. Good luck- these are wise words, thank you for posting xx

  14. Hey, M ~

    You are managing your food (and surrounding issues) so well... not to mention walking your patootie off (metaphorically and literally... :-) - so d*mn proud of you!

    It takes that jumpstart to the point where you (and others notice) to keep you motivated - then there's a lot more incentive, because you know it works...

    Can't wait to get together this week - I have no doubt we'll both be "good" (at least in our food choices!)...

  15. Thank you so much, Susan! I can't wait for our lunch date on Wednesday! I have no doubt that we'll be good girls...evil grin...

  16. Patrick, thank you so much for the reminder..I imagine it *is* difficult for our significant others as well! I plan to use your quote in an upcoming post. :)

  17. You're so right, bbubblyb, that "worth it" phrase comes into my head so often!

  18. Lynda, exactly! And I start to think, "oh,what the hell.." which is exactly the mindset that got me to this place!

  19. Anonymous Fat Girl, thank you! You're right, that all or nothing thinking can get you into big trouble! xoxoxo

  20. Thank you, Alexia! I love your blog, btw. :)