It's Hard to be Good

Each & every morning we roll out of bed and as soon as our feet hit the floor the battle of good & evil begins. Each moment provides us with the opportunity to be good..or "bad"...naughty..or nice. There are constant temptations, opportunities to throw caution to the wind and just do what feels good right that very minute.

Yesterday was no different for me, and frankly by mid-morning I was sick of it. Sick of watching Beren and my kids eat "normal" breakfasts, of the treadmill looming in the background, taunting me and making me feel guilty for not working out, tired of the limited food choices, of the measuring and thinking and planning..UGH! I remembered the free-for-all weekends when I'd eat what I wanted, mindlessly, then gone out to the bar and tossed down a few cocktails with wild abandon. (well, ok, not so-very-wild, but you get my point) I was angry, overwhelmed, and as Beren stated: just plain grouchy!

So, instead of turning to the kitchen and quieting my mood with a cupcake (or three), I sat down and talked it out with Beren. I explained to him that part of the reason I put off doing a "serious" weight loss program for so long was because I knew it would be hard to fit into our lifestyle. We go out quite a bit, we drink socially, etc..habits that are not conducive to a regimented diet/fitness program. I explained to him my frustration & annoyance and yet maintained my determination. I didn't want to give up, I just wanted him to understand just how f-ing hard this is! I wanted reassurance, not advice, because over the course of the conversation I was able to give myself advice..I told myself the very things I would tell one of my fellow bloggers should he or she be feeling this way:

"You have been doing this for 3 1/2 weeks, this is the point where the novelty is starting to wear off..it's 'normal' that you should feel this way!"

"You have a lot going on in your life right now, this is just one more stressor, but turning to food or abandoning your program isn't going to make you feel better."

"You are doing this for YOURSELF, because you DESERVE it!"

"What can you change right now? What can you do that would make you feel better that doesn't involve food?"

At that point I got up off the couch and went into the kitchen..to clean. I started packing up some of Kali's kitchen goods for her, helping her prepare for her move next week as well as clearing clutter which always makes me feel better. I then made a batch of veggie chili for the kids, had that simmering in the crockpot so that they could eat whenever they got home from work. I cleaned the refrigerator, packed up several containers of my Zero soup and put it into the freezer for the future. Wiped the counters, did the dishes, etc. And then I had my Jenny lunch along with some of that soup, sat on the couch with Beren and decompressed for a bit, made a plan for the rest of the day. Suddenly the grumpies were gone and I didn't have to feel guilty for the way I'd handled them. Instead of shoving the emotions down with food, I talked it out and then fixed the problems I could control! What a novel idea!

And now, for other Victories:

*first acknowledgment/notice of my weight loss, yay!
*turned down dinner by our friend who is an amazing cook yet as I sat in his kitchen watching him pour molasses into his baked beans, we both knew there was no way I could eat there, lol!
*knowing that this couple definitely enjoy their beer, we stopped on the way to pick up a 12-pack for them. I grabbed a 4-pack of miniature chardonnay bottles, allowed myself two (portion-controlled) glasses. The rest came home with me.
*Also grabbed a fresh vegetable platter which I nibbled on while others eat pretzels, etc. but after a few minutes everyone was gobbling up my carrots & celery as well! So I might have been a good influence for once. *wink*

Last night we were supposed to go to a wine & cheese party at another friend's house. I thought long & hard about it..and called to decline. As much as I wanted to visit and would certainly have enjoyed the socialization, I knew that it would be very difficult for me to spend time around my two of my favorite things, and I had already consumed my two-glass maximum for the day. I just didn't trust myself to be that "good," why torture myself?

So, Beren and I ate dinner at home - vegetarian chili, mac & cheese for him, Jenny's cheese ravioli with a bowl of Zero-Point soup for me. We put in a dvd, Letters to Juliet, I ate my Jenny cheesecake, and we went to bed early. Nice.