Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Swimsuit Shopping...need I say more?

Dear South Florida Department Store Buyers:

Just a reminder, we live in the tropics where the temperature rarely drops below 70 degrees, thus the need for shorts & bathing suits year round! It is currently 95 degrees in the shade and will continue to be so for several months, what makes you think I want to look at sweaters and wool skirts..now or ever? Also, in case you've forgotten we have tourists here year 24/7 who might not bring appropriate clothing for our sweltering summers and therefore need to shop for said items. If they can't find summer garb in your stores, where are they gonna shop? Don't even think to mention the boutiques on the beach because unless your waistline (and your wallet) are the size of Kate Moss you're shit-outta-luck, baby! If you require a double digit I guess you're expected to don a mumu, sit on the sand and gaze longingly at the skinny beach babes frolicking in the ocean, perfectly cool & comfy because they were able to purchase cute swimsuits on the spur on the moment! And, um, some of us might be going on a cruise in a couple of days and happened to save the particular gruesome task of bikini-shopping for the very last minute!

Oh, and one more thing, do you think that you could provide separate dressing rooms for those of us non-skinny chics? 'cause it's bad enough to be standing naked under those horrific bright lights and three-way mirrors, struggling to squeeze my fat ass into a size Large only to hear from the other stall, "But look at how BIG this is and it is a size ZERO, now what am I going to dooooo?"

Really, there is just only so much torture one woman can stand before she's driven right out off your fancy store and straight to the nearest bar where she's going to down as many vodkas (2 POINTS each) as it takes to convince her that her old tattered swimsuit is just fine for the vacation and, in fact, it makes her look like a freakin' goddess!

Not that I did that or anything..I'm just saying..it could happen...

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