Here I am. Again. Just like those nasty Mary Jane candies no one likes (except me!), I keep coming back. I've really struggled with the concept of this blog, thought it was silly for a middle-aged woman to write about pin-ups, to imply that I aspire to be one. I recently celebrated my 50th birthday, for goodness sake! I'm well past the age where I could be an actual model, and my body is far from pin-up perfect. And yet, I still feel saucy, sexy and playful..sometimes. I still like short skirts, garters & stockings, stiletto pumps and all things vintage. There is still a pin-up girl on the inside, waiting to emerge, if only in an..ahem..age-appropriate way. So, why can't I still blog here? Why shouldn't I embrace that flirty side of myself into middle age and beyond? No reason whatsoever. Who's going to care if I engage in a little folly, a little fantasy and fun. I need a little more fun in my life, how about you?
You all, whatever dear readers are left, have been through a lot with me. The losses. The gains. The diets. From South Beach to Jenny Craig to Weight Watchers (again & again), you've been there. You've watched me go from a meat-eater to a vegan. But aside from all of that, you've also been privy to some more personal aspects of my life. I've been more honest and open here than on my new blog, partially because I started out anonymous. Even though I now sign my real name, I still feel this is a more private place, a safe haven to share/vent/whatever I feel like doing. I think I need that right now. I miss writing. I need to journal, to sit each day and sort through the emotional crap that runs through my head, put it into words, process and move on. When I don't, I find the feelings get backlogged until they explode or, more likely, get stuffed down with food. Yes, I could just get a paper journal and write the old-fashioned way but it's not the same. I like sharing here, hoping that someone might read my little blog and relate, that my words, my story, might resonate somehow. Even if they don't post a comment, I think that mutual understanding and connection comes through somehow. And I like that.
So, as I've mentioned before, Halloween is a big day in my "belief system." To pagans, Samhain is a very sacred sabbat. It's a day to reflect, go deep and quiet, to embrace the darkness. Sure, we also celebrate, feast & drink and make merry. But for the most part it's a solemn holiday, and I honor that aspect of it.
In the past, Halloween was always spent with my daughters. We'd set up an altar for our family members who have passed. We'd make a meal, help each other with our costumes, and when the festive/secular part of the day had passed, we'd sit quietly, each in our own way, and honor the spiritual part of the day. Always, at some point, we would watch Practical Magic. It was a fun little ritual we had, just us girls, though no boy could become part of the family without having seen, and enjoyed the film! Our own little initiation ceremony..wink..
Now that my girls are grown and living across the state, we're not able to spend the holiday together. This year I just wasn't in the spirit, did minimal decorating and only because Chip insisted. My ancestor's altar isn't set up, haven't even unpacked the photos. I guess I'm just embracing the dark a little more right now. Last night I was really missing the kids and the Halloweens of the past. Chip went to bed early, so I poured myself a glass of wine, made some popcorn and loaded up Practical Magic. It wasn't quite the same, sitting by myself watching, but it did provide me a connection, a touchstone to the rituals and traditions established when my family was young. It was bittersweet, but really that's what this day is about.
Samhain is often referred to as the Witches New Year, and I treat it as such. The autumn season brings change. Like the trees shedding their leaves, I'm inclined to shed some things of my own. Unhealthy habits, negative attitudes, whatever has been weighing me down. This year is no different. I've already started to implement a few changes, nothing major, just subtle little shifts. I'll write more about that later, but in the meantime I have a menu to plan and a house to clean in preparation for the "new year." Who knows, maybe a spirit will cross over tonight, stop by to say hello. I wouldn't want them to find us unprepared for their visit!
Happy Halloween, Blessed Samhain,
M~
